Reviewed By

Doug Thorpe

Modern marriage and family therapy was born in the late 1950s. Before that time most therapists considered it unwise, or even unethical, to see couples and families together. "While many arguments were put forward to support this position, therapists' reluctance to treat couples and families was rooted in the fact that marriages are complex and hard to change.

During the relatively short history of marital therapy, therapists have used many models for understanding marriages, their dysfunction, and their repair. Some have used systems theory to view marriages as complex machines that can malfunction. Others have drawn on communication theory, Carl Rogers' empathic listening technique, behavioral change principles, object-relations psychology, and even, more recently, the planets Mars and Venus. ) While many of these approaches have had some positive impact on distressed marriages, marital therapy as a whole has not established an enviable track record.

Enter John Gottman, professor of psychology at the University of Washington and founder and director of the Seattle Marital and Family Institute. Gottman begins with a simple assumption: couples who are not doing well together should be taught to do what successful couples do. And what, exactly, is it that successful couples do? To answer that question Gottman developed his now-famous "Love Lab," where he has videotaped hundreds of couples talking, fighting, making up, and even eating and doing the dishes.

The results of Gottman's research are packed into this straightforward, practical book, written with the assistance of former magazine editor Nan Silver. His seven principles range from the most fundamental level of revitalizing couples' "Love Maps" - the internal picture each partner holds of their spouse's world - to the lofty, spiritual goal of creating shared meaning in life. In between he shows how to solve solvable problems, find workable compromises for unsolvable problems, and avoid the 'Tour Horsemen of The Apocalypse;" criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. The included questionnaires and exercises make this an exceptional tool for couples trying to build the "Sound Marital House" of their dreams.